Monday, June 2, 2008

God is good all the time

This is something that our pastor used to tell us each Sunday in church. I have struggled with a very personal issue for the last 4 years. I have prayed to God to tell me what to do, but I have not gotten an answer. (It is my lack of obedience in the Word that made the Lord not respond, or maybe He did, that still small voice might have been ignored)

Now, if you are one of my family members, read this entire thing before you start in with the personal thoughts and opinions. Mom, if you are reading this, I hope it makes you proud.

I have a stubborn personality, I got it from my genetic pool, there is no doubt about it. When I have an issue that troubles me, it is with me all the time. BUT I don't always handle it appropriately, I was not taught how to handle conflict and personal attacks. Instead of handling them head on, we allow them to fester and make us angrier, which allows a bigger grudge to grow, it is then harder to get rid of. It also becomes a hurdle you can't overcome. This is what happened to me.

Even though I am extremely embarrassed, I am going to share my struggle here with all of you. This issue has been resolved, anyway, it is in my mind.

4 years ago, a very important person in my life passed away from end stage emphysema. This man is the person that held the highest position in my life, he was my father in every aspect of the word. He 'inherited' me when he married my mom, she had me, I was a 3 year old and my brother, then 5. Right before passing, he underwent surgery to remove the lower portion of his colon, with the permanent placement of a colostomy. The combination of those two things are what ended his life, I believe.

Right after he passed, we learned that his funeral arrangements had not been taken care of, so it was up to all 8 siblings to share that expense. During the normal grieving period, we spent the time stressing over the money, how some of us would get ahold of that money, and how other finances might have to take a back seat because of that added responsibility. I was fortunate enough that I could write a check and take care of my portion of that bill. The stress it put on my siblings was something that I heard expressed more than once. They all stood up and did their part, and that made me proud of them. I was angry that the burden had been placed on us, I thought it should have been handled years before that.

Because of that, I have had anger that I have held onto like a trophy for the past 4 years. I didn't speak to my mother, because I felt she put us in that position, and I was damn mad about it. (excuse that word, if you will).

For the past 4 years, I have held onto that anger, I have not dealt with it, even though I knew it was something that would eat me alive inside.

I know all the bible verses that supported doing the right thing. BUT I CHOSE TO IGNORE them. I have a faith in the Lord, I know that when I have struggles, He is my salvation and my strength. Yes, I have all kinds of weaknesses, I don't always act like a Christian, but what most people don't understand is, we aren't perfect. Don't even claim to be, we are sinners, we struggle, fall and get back up and go on........the Lord is our guidance, if we let Him. If the church were for perfect people, it would sit empty.

For 4 years I have known I should not hold onto the anger that I did. Heck, my siblings got over it and moved on, they are more forgiving than I am, which is what makes me so proud of them. They were the ones affected, not me, so why did I act that way?

I found out Mom had cancer a couple weeks ago, I started to pray, asking God to allow me the courage and the dignity to approach her and try to put all our past behind us. I have a couple opinionated, pushy sisters that stick their noses into everything, even when it isn't something they should stick their noses into. They pushed me to go there (Mom's) without knowing I had already been. They also didn't know my heart, or that I have truly struggled with this. Even though they say they don't, I believe they think the worst of me in all situations. I also think it is because they have never taken the time to get to know me, it is easier to judge and pick than to even entertain for a minute the idea that they might be wrong. I know they are like that, because it is something that I struggle with myself. It is that darn genetic pool again.

I talked to Mom last week before I had to leave to go to Colorado for the wedding, it went really well. She even acted happy to see me, which surprised me, remember when I said if we don't handle our emotions and anger, it builds.............I had myself convinced she didn't like me and didn't want me around. I know that isn't true, now.

I have a daughter, we have an awesome relationship. I hope it stays that way, if she ever gets mad at me, I will knock on her door each day, but won't allow her to hold onto anger towards me.......I promise.

Mom, I am sorry, thank you for loving me and forgiving me. It is between you and me, it is not something I have discussed with anybody but Steve. I hope it stays that way. The waters get muddied when we allow others to intervene. They don't know my heart or yours, they can only speculate, but because they don't know how we feel, they get it wrong. More often than not.

For all you visitors to my blog, I apologize, I don't like blog posts where folks air their family matters, I will not do it again, I like my posts to be fun and light hearted.


Wendy said...

i am pushy. i am opinionated. i stick my nose in where it doesn't belong. only because i love you, and i love our mom.

Brandy said...

I just want to add that I am glad the air was cleared. I am truly sorry you felt pushed into anything you weren't ready for. I believe that having your sibling support system in check will help more then anything else. I love you and think it took alot for you to admit what was bothering you. I am proud of you for that and so much more. Even if I am just an "in-law"

grandmacarnes said...

Ahhhhh, Brandy, thanks, Chica, you know you mean a lot to me, truly you do.

I did feel pushed, even though I know their intentions are good, I felt it wasn't their business. I still don't, but all that matters is the outcome.

I hold no grudges, which is amazing, I am a first class grudge holder from way back!!!

Deanne said...

I am proud of you because I know how hard it was for you to write this. I have been where you were and have struggled with the same issues. I knew how you felt and I knew where you were coming from. It took a lot of courage to write this. I hope that you feel like a huge burden has been lifted. The hardest thing we will ever do is to be honest with ourselves. Only then can we be honest with others.
I have only one (maybe two) thing to say about what you wrote in your blog. I am putting it in writing this time so I have proof!  I for one do not always think the worst of you and have told you that until I am blue in the face. I believe that we take more time to get to know each other than most sisters do. Our sister breakfasts are proof of that. We are so very fortunate to love each other enough to want to take this time. I know how hard it was for you to write this knowing that there will still be someone who will still have to make a hateful comment.
Just so you know, that person will not be ME!
I will always love you even when I’m mad at you. That’s what ‘sisterin’ is all about.
Love you.

grandmacarnes said...

Ah, Deanne, you know I love you, you are right, you take the time, I have been thankful more than once for you and Michelle and your level heads. It is nice to be able to know I can call you and get sensible, well thought out advice and answers from you both. You are both kind and good, thank you for that.